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Hey everyone!
Hope it's been going swell for you guys and gals,
My life has been going alright... until the minute I lost my temper and shouted at a dear friend of mine. I can be quite grumpy, especially with loved ones who I doesn't mind my spectrum of emotions.
But being grumpy/irritated/annoyed is just a mild version of anger. Wrath. Fury. Whatever it is you wanna call it, I have lots of it and quit proudly I'd admit that I've have kept it inside me from family and friends and I have not let my anger consume my immediate actions for a long time. At most I would write an angry sms or an email expressing my hurt towards someone.
But yesterday... after so many years of being in control of my anger, I had let it get to me and to the point where I was insensitive, rude, sarcastic and the final point was where my dear friend of 4 years said my behavior was scaring her. She decided I wasn't in the right state to listen to anything she had to say so she walked away.
That's when I did something that didn't even process consciously in my brain but just came out as an action. I shouted after her... on a quiet night, in her neighborhood where her family and relatives stayed. I shouted, 'Thank you (her name)!!'.
If you're still reading to this point, you probably are thinking what's the big deal? You have to understand I'm not someone who shouts at my friends and even my closest family members have not seen my temper in half a decade. So when I did, it caught me off-guard and honestly, dear reader... I'm scared of what I'm becoming...
I ask myself questions like 'Is this the real me?', 'Have I hid it so well from the people around me that I now believe it's the lie?'
I am not a bad person. I'm as selfish as the next person and I know I will not hurt my friends willingly.
I blame myself entirely for over-reacting that night and losing my temper. But she too had a part to play in this scenario. To cut it short: the attitude she had on that day was slowly but steadily testing my patience. But it's not her fault. I hold myself responsible for my own actions.
But everyone has a chance to learn from their mistakes, don't they? But what if I don't? What if my poor memory has lead me to treat my friend without respect over and over again? I am my actions and my actions yesterday night has made me ashamed of myself and even though my friend isn't talking to me right now, I feel like I don't deserve her friendship and love ever again.
If anger can be considered as the passion one has for life; a formidable energy source to keep the spirit going ahead in life, then maybe... my anger can be justified. Maybe. How the justification is explained is a whole 'nother story.
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Commitment Issues! 
Peaceful
Yearning
